I'm halfway through my week off and I'm sad there's only a few days left. This post has nothing to do with work and everything to do with single parenting.

I had someone tell me, again, that they don't know how I do it as a single mom. To be honest, I don't know how couples do it. I have been fortunate in the matter that KH doesn't have many meltdowns. She doesn't have colic and her 1 all day crying session was from reflux. I'm lucky enough to have friends and family who helped me out in the beginning with cooking and cleaning. After the first few weeks, it was just she and I. And that's how it's been. As a single mom, everything that happens is with her, happens with me. I don't have to share her with anyone at home and I get to have all the cuddles I want. I can't imagine sharing middle of the night duties with anyone. Is it exhausting? Absolutely! However, it's those little moments I'll never get back. No one else gets to see her smile at 2 am when we're up feeding and I'm okay with that. I clean house when she naps or I nap with her in my arms. Laundry is always done, it's just not always put up. Life is chaotic at times but it's awesome. I'm tired A LOT. However, I know that when I wake up, she's going to be 18 and moving out. So how do I do it as a single mom? Easily and selfishly one day at a time. Until next time...

Well, IT finally happened today.  What is IT you ask? IT is THAT call.  The one that makes you say, "Oh crap, I'm going to be here a while."  In fact, I was on scene for 202 minutes.  I got to the 4 hour post-pump mark before I had to call my supervisor and say, "It hurts.  Please send relief!!"  It's such a crazy feeling.  It's not even the engorgement for me, it's the nipples.  They start to feel like they have rockets shooting through them.  I kept adjusting my bulletproof vest and I finally had to break down and tell the guy on scene why.  He said he understood.  Well, he didn't know how I felt, but he grasped the idea.  When relief came, I was soooooo happy! It was only 4.5 hours from one pump session to the next.  I'm used to pumping 4 oz a time, every 2-3 hours.  This time, it was 6.5 oz!!  From an outsider's perspective that has never felt the feeling, 2.5 oz doesn't seem like much.  From my perspective and the pain level, 2.5 oz is a lot!!

One of the guys at work came up to me today and adjusted his bulletproof vest through his uniform.  What's funny is the Sergeant looked at him like, "What the hell are you doing?"  I simply said, "It's cool, he's just making fun of me."  It was in a joking way and I knew it.  He said my life must revolve around the pump.  I told him no, it revolves around the boobs.  If I'm not working, KH's mouth does the work, not the pump.  Then he called me a good momma.  Awwwww.

I was asked once upon a time about leaking.  Surprisingly, I haven't done that.  Even today when I was in excruciating pain and (almost but not really) busting out of the seams, I didn't leak.  I'm lucky in that sense.  I don't know how much milk the Bamboobie's hold but I'm sure that would've tested the limit.

The next problem I'm going to have to worry about is sweating in the Texas heat.  Today only got to 80 and I was sweating profusely.  I'm worried about the sweat soaking the pad and causing problems.  I guess it's something I'll have to figure out and report back!

Until next time...

Being a single working parent is quite the task.  Hence the reason it's been so long since an update. My bad!  I tried the Bamboobies over the weekend and LOVED them! So much so, I went and bought 2 more pair. The problems with chafing that I felt without them was gone.  I did learn that you can't wear Lanolin with them.  Between the compression and the stickiness, I was peeling them off like bandaids.  Not fun at all.

I managed to go through all the milk in my stash to count it.  When I started back at work, I believe I had around 75 ounces.  A good start.  I'm now up to 130.  That sounds amazing!! Or does it? The problem I've had from the start with KH is her latch.  I'm wondering if she's not emptying me out like she should.  Night time she sucks it all down and my boobs are like pancakes that sag halfway to my belly button.  Throughout the rest of the day, that's not the case.  I guess we're doing alright since she's still gaining properly and she's happy.

I'm almost to the 3 month point and I'm starting to worry a little.  Shannon said at month 3 your body stops doing the autopilot production and starts to make us do it on our own.  So far I've been extremely lucky with the ability to stop and pump at work.  The longest amount of time I've gone is 3.5 hours.  I did that on purpose because I know her last meal of the day is the one that puts her to bed and I wanted to have a little more in there for her to access.  Aside from that, it's been every 2-3 hours like clockwork.  The guys have been SUPER awesome.  If I get sent a call they don't complain about covering it for me.  I keep hearing, "Do what's best for your family. The job comes second." It's funny because people said that before and I laughed.  I enjoyed my job way more than I enjoyed my family.  Then KH came into my life. I now fully understand the meaning.

The pain from engorgement that I felt when I first went back to work is gone.  I do notice that my right boob doesn't always empty and I can feel knots.  That makes me worry about mastitis.  Remember, before I went back to work, I hardly ever pumped.  My kid has a latch problem so the "correct" way to feed is not how we've been doing it.  It still takes almost an hour for her to eat a full meal.  The pump is, um, different... The legal assistant in my attorney's office is the leader of the local La Leche League.  She told me that, on average, you get 30% more out of your pumping session if you look at something other than the bottles while you pump.  I already was one to watch videos of KH or play games so that wasn't too different for me.  Now that I'm noticing it's not emptying properly, I've started doing more massaging and, unfortunately, staring while pumping.  I figure my body will get used to it at some point.  When that point is, I don't know.

I may take another break from posting.  I work Fri-Sun and then have 7 days off.  If a new challenge finds its way into my weekend, I'll happily post about it.  Otherwise, I'm going to enjoy my days with my little munchkin.

Until next time...

Keeping up with this is already proving to be more difficult than expected! I worked my first official full weekend. I worked 12 hours Friday, 8 hours Saturday, and 12 hours Sunday. Being away from my baby for that long KILLED me!!! I was able to continue pumping every 2-3 hours without problem. The problem is I missed my baby. 3 hours into my third shift I was already flipping through pictures and videos of KH on my phone. I am going to have a tough time for sure.

I did some experimenting with bras. Tuesday, my first shift back, I wore a nursing sports bra. I'd worn it several times and found it to be comfy. Under the uniform it was atrocious and painful! I decided I couldn't do that again. It was too constrictive to go under the vest. I felt engorged a lot. Friday and Saturday I wore shirts with built in bras. They are similar to the tanks with the elastic around the bottom of the boob holder. The shirts and built in bra are made of a silky material similar to Under Armour heat gear. I had way less feeling of engorgement but my nipples were hurting. I don't wear pads because I haven't had a leaking problem. I wondered if it was the material or if my nipples were just sore from pumping so often. For the record, I was only pumping once a day, MAYBE, before I went to work and that was to build a stockpile for work. Anyway, back to the shirts. Sunday, I wore an Under Armour heat gear shirt with no bra. I figured they're already sagging with weight, I might as well see if braless under the bulletproof vest would help. It very well seemed to! There was never a feeling of engorgement and it made easier access for pumping. Hey, one less thing to take off and put on saves time in the long run. My nipples still hurt, though. I guess I won't know until a few weeks pass for sure if it's from pumping or clothes. I went to see my lactation consultant. She gave me a pair of Bamboobies. They're washable breast pads made of cotton and bamboo. If the nipple pain is from chaffing, the breast pads should help. If not, I'll know it's from the pump. I'll experiment more during my shifts this week. Until then, I'm going to cuddle up to my baby while I can! Next time!

Today was my first day back to work and I have to say it went much better than I expected. I have 2 immediate supervisors, both of which are male. I asked them about a place to pump in PD for when the need arises. They told me of a room that is available and then said it was okay if I go home to pump, if it would make me more comfortable. I told him I pump in KH's room at the house and he interrupted me to chime in that it helps the letdown. Wow! He was knowledgable!! To clarify, I work for a big, small city. The population is around 60-70000 but it's extremely spread out. I have an area I'm assigned to patrol within the city. To get from the farthest end of my area to my house would take at least 20 minutes. For him to tell me that was an option had me floored! I was stoked! I didn't want to take advantage of that opportunity too regularly. We continued to talk. The supervisor who talked about letdown told me about how he spent $600 to rent a monster huge pump for his wife to use. The other supervisor then started in with a story about how curiosity got the best of him and he tried to use his wife's pump on his own nipples. Of course he knew nothing would come out, but he tried anyway. He talked of pain and purple nipples. Ha! I got a definite laugh. Anyway, on to my day.

I had to de-ice my truck before going to work. This is Texas. We don't have a need for that. The roads were supposed to be iced and the wrecks were supposed to be plenty. While I was sitting in shift brief listening to the supervisor go over all the details, all I could think of was how bad my tits hurt! KH didn't wake up enough to eat a full meal and she slept a lot overnight. I really needed to pump! At about 815 (my shift starts at 7) I was able to go home and pump. I got 8 oz!!! No wonder I was in so much pain! I thought it was a combination of the bulletproof vest and the tight shirt. Nope! It was the extra 4 oz I was housing. I got everything back on and went back in service. I noticed that the process of undressing and redressing took longer than the pumping process. Clearly something I need to work on.

I received a text from my zone partner, while I was checked out at my house for so long, asking if I was okay. I explained to him that I was still breastfeeding so I had to pump. I then asked to meet up with him. My plan was to apologize for the amount of time I would be spending pumping. He said, "That's way more important. Family comes first." We then showed each other pictures of our little ones. I talked to him about places to pump and mentioned going to the fire station. For the record, our small town is one in which Police and Fire are great friends. I spend a lot of my breaks hanging out with them at the station. My zone partner suggested I go talk to admin there to make sure it would be okay. So I did. The Lieutenant at the station looked at me in awe when I asked to use the women's bathroom to pump in. He asked why I would want to go in there when I could use their dorm. He said the door doesn't lock but all I have to do is tell them. I would run the risk of having someone walk in on me. I told him I'm not shy and that I would plop in one of the recliners in the main room in front of everyone because I'm not shy. That lead to the discussion that they would watch, no matter how atrocious it may be. Either way, after about 3 hours, I was hurting so I made it to the fire station. I used the dorm and pumped 4 oz. No one walked in on me.

One thing that is on my side is my babysitter lives in town. I was able to go to see my munchkin on my lunch break. My intentions were to feed her on my break. When I got there, the sitter was holding her and an empty bottle. Oops. I took her anyway and she ate for about 2 minutes. Our normal feeds last around 30 minutes. I pumped again and got 4 oz.

With it being my first day back from maternity leave, I had some administrative things to do. I checked out at the PD. I took advantage of the room I was told I could use. I wonder how many people walked by and wondered what the sound was? I kept a cooler in my patrol car to store the milk so it didn't get flaunted in the break room fridge. That was my choice.

All in all it was the best first day back at work. My sitter sent me updates and pictures throughout the day and I was able to spend some time with KH. The real challenge will be the upcoming weekend. Details to follow :-)